Division Of Family Heirlooms

Author: Alyice Edrich

Heirloom: An object passed down from generation to generation.
Property that is considered by law to be part of an estate.

When my grandmother passed away, the only grandchild she named in her Will was my cousin, Chris. When my mother asked if there was anything in my grandmother’s estate I wanted, I didn’t know what to say.

At first, I thought: “Yes, but my feelings are so hurt from being excluded from her Will that I don’t know if having anything will cause more hurt or allow me to remember the good times with her.”

Sensing my hurt, my mother asked me to think about the good times I had with my grandmother, when I was a young child, and pick something that will always evoke those good memories. After careful consideration, I named several objects. Sadly, those objects were distributed to other family members or missing from her belongings.

A year and a half later, my mother unexpectantly passed away and the Will she had often alluded to was nowhere to be found.

Having seen the hurt, division, and damage my grandmother’s Will left my mother’s family in, my sister and I decided to be more understanding of each other’s feelings, but it wasn’t always easy. When you want to hold onto anything that keeps your mother’s memory alive, it can sometimes come across as selfish or as though your parent’s things meant more than the life that’s now gone.

A Lesson To Be Learned

I remember a few years back, watching an episode of Home Improvement, with Tim Allen (Season 6). His wife’s father passed away and she was devastated. A few episodes later, his wife, Jill, receives a visit from her mother. Her mother decides to divvy up her personal belongings so she could enjoy seeing her children use her heirlooms. Jill was extremely upset when she received a tea set because what she really wanted was the family clock. She had very special memories of that clock, and her entire life she dreamt of placing that clock in her house as a memorial to her parents and her childhood. But when she received the tea set, resentment boiled inside her because she had no memory of that tea set. After coaxing from her husband, Jill decided to discuss her feelings with her mother.

What a humbling experience that was. What Jill discovered was that her mother held very special memories of that tea set that involved Jill and she didn’t know Jill didn’t remember those times. All she wanted was for Jill to have the tea set as a tribute to their special times together. After listening to her mother’s precious story of their childhood times together, and how her mother often wished they could go back and relive some of those times, that tea set became far more precious than the clock ever could have been.

Why Am I Getting This?

Which makes you wonder doesn’t it? When you leave your belongings to your children, will they know the story behind those pieces? Will they understand why you believed those items were so important to pass on? Are there items your children want because they hold special memories…memories that make those special times with you come alive?

Must I Fight For What I Want?

Simply stating, “my belongings will be divided equally between my children” is a truly unfair thing to do to your children. While it will definitely make your Will easier to write, it can only cause division in the family once you pass away.

Taking the time to distribute your estate—piece by piece—between your children, extended family members, friends, and charitable institutions will not only cut down on the fighting, but it will allow them to have more time to process their grief. And when done right, it can also be a wonderful opportunity to pass on more than objects…to pass on memories, traditions, and legacies…to pass on heirlooms.

Can We Prevent Animosities?

While it’s certainly not the most comfortable thing to do, take the time to explain why recipients are getting what they’re getting. Explain the memories each piece holds and why you feel so-and-so should be the one receiving it.

Take the time to find out which pieces, in your estate, hold precious memories for your children and then write down those memories. Do the same thing with your own memories. Then when it’s time to prepare your Will, divvy up your belongings according to the memories they evoke. Take a picture of each piece, place the memories about that piece on paper, place the photo and paper in an envelope, and address the envelope to the recipient. Then place each envelope in the same folder that holds your Will. That way, when the Will is read, like Jill, the recipients will understand your decision and those pieces will hold more value in their eyes.

As for those items that hold no monetary value or personal memories, donate them or distribute them according to the recipient’s personal interests.

But What About The Family Photos?

For as long as I can remember, all I ever really wanted were the family photos. My sister, however, wasn’t too interested in the family photos. But since my mother’s passing, she’s come to cherish them, too. So who will get them? We decided to split them and make copies so we’d each get a complete set.

But I have another suggestion for parents. With the wonders of modern technology, scanning photos and making photo CDs is relatively easy and cost-efficient. Start leaving a legacy for your children now, by making photo CDs of all new pictures and distributing a CD to each child in your family. Then slowly work you way back in history and do the same thing with the older photos. In fact, with the new software on the market, you could even design digital scrapbooks complete with historical accounts, dates, and personal notes!

While preparing a thorough, time extensive Will won’t guarantee that sibling rivalry will not occur during the distribution of your estate, it will lessen the burden on your executor and its recipients. And in the end, it will hopefully bring your family closer instead of pulling them apart.