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Children Should Be Led, Not Controlled
Author: Mark Brandenburg
I had taken my children on a solo vacation while my wife stayed home to catch up on work. It was a great trip, but I was having a bad day. I was struggling with something many fathers struggle with: a gnawing sense of impatience with my kids and a feeling I should be in more control of their behavior.
"Guys, get out of the mud! How many times do I have to tell you?"
As the words spilled out of my mouth I felt myself repeating the same words my parents had said to me countless times in the past and I felt powerless to change their actions.
That's when an alarming thought came to mind, Am I becoming my father?
My eight-year-old daughter and six-year-old son were doing one of the things all young children like to do—-play in mud. They weren't doing anything wrong, just playing in the mud. And I was impatient.
Upon my last attempt to control my children, my son turned to me and said, "Dad, relax, it's OK!"
I smiled back at him, realizing he was right.
Indeed, the mud could be washed off. No lives were in danger. The only problem was my desire to control them. It was at that moment that I let them play in the mud, that I let them be kids, and I let go of control.
As we drove the last stretch toward home, I realized again that we can't control our children but we can control what we pay attention to.
As we neared the end of the five-hour trip home, I noticed that my children had gotten along perfectly and hadn't complained once about the length of the drive. I turned to them and said, "You two are so nice to travel with. You're so patient and get along so well!"
It was then that I realized if we can catch our children in the "act" of doing something good, of doing wonderful things and let them know it, we can retrain our thinking and thus, solve most of the "problem".
Our children should not be controlled. They are to be guided and led, but not controlled. This desire to control our children can lead us to become emotionally disconnected from our kids. And ruin what could otherwise be a great relationship with our children.
While there are certain things that we need to control, in order to keep our children safe, healthy, and happy, controlling our children is not one of those things. And contrary to popular believe, you can change the way you interact with your children and transform your relationships.
Accept Your Role
Accept responsibility for your own issues and don't put them on your children. Identify issues that cause you to have irrational thoughts like, "I should be in control of this situation," or "My kids should always obey me immediately".Adjust Your Actions
Once you've identified your irrational thoughts, study how they play out when you're with your children. Being aware of these thoughts goes a long way towards helping you to respond to them in a healthy way; not react to them with anger.Seek Help
Get help from outside sources to identify any issue you cannot see yourself. Then listen to how these issues so that you can make a conscious effort to deal with them.Stay Calm
When you have feelings of impatience or find you are lacking control, practice "being with your feelings". Then use a calm voice—no yelling, shame, or criticizing—when speaking to those around you.
So, what are you paying attention to?
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