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The Big, Mean Dad!
Author: Mark Brandenburg
It was a time each night that I cherish. It was bedtime. I snuggled in behind my six-year-old son, to spend some time chatting before he went to sleep. As I pulled him closer to me, I could smell his sweet breath and his freshly washed hair. During these moments, I felt closer to my son than at any other time. It was a time to share thoughts and the experiences of the day. Bedtime was when Michael talked more openly, and this night was no exception.
"Dad, you're so mean," he said. "You're always telling me not to do stuff, and you never tell Sarah. You like her better!"
I groped at the dagger in my heart. And as I did, I was aware of the two feelings I held simultaneously: guilt and anger.
The first feeling was guilt. I had lost my patience with Michael a couple of times during the day and I had set boundaries that I needed to enforce. But I began to wonder, Had I been too strict with him? Could I have done it differently? I knew there was no heartbreak as great as the feeling of not being the father I could be, but was I really wrong?
The other feeling I experienced, welling up deep inside me, was anger. How dare he question what I do, after all I've done for him.
Neither feeling was very helpful so I calmed myself with a deep breath and plunged ahead.
"What is it that makes you think I'm so mean?" I asked.
"You just are making me do stuff I don't want all the time!" he said.
"I'm sorry you feel that it's mean, Michael."
There was a pause. He muttered something else and I saw my opportunity.
I ran my fingers up his legs and back as I said, "You know, Michael, what you really ought to be concerned about is the spiders in your bed."
He howled in laughter and a few moments later he was chatting about what he was doing in school. Then Michael rolled over and kissed me softly on the cheek. "I love you, Dad." he said. And as he did, I wondered what he'd have done if I'd been nice to him.
The "dark side" of our evening was over.
It's likely that your kids will regularly harbor angry feelings toward you. And it's likely that they will bring you face-to-face with feelings of guilt, shame, and anger―some of which come from an earlier phase of your life. But it's what you do with those feelings that matter.
The first thing to do with those feelings is to take comfort in knowing that you're probably doing a good job as a parent. Show me a child who never complains about his parents being mean, and I'll show you a child who's parented by a saint or is spoiled rotten. It's an important part of your job to be "firm" (mean) with your kids. And if you can combine this firmness with love and compassion, you have a great formula for parenting success.
Once you've dealt with your feelings, try one of these steps:
Get Clarification
Ask specifically what your child means when he/she says you're being "mean" or unfair. Listen to the response closely; carefully.Apologize For The Right Reasons
Tell your child that you're sorry he/she thinks it was mean. But don't apologize for any of the things that happened earlier in the day―apologize for what's taking place right now; the incident. If you apologize twice, this will only help your child feel like a victim.Don't Beat Yourself Up
Understand that you'll have feelings of guilt and/or anger, but realize that these won't be useful. And don't beat yourself up about your mistakes.Accept Imperfection
Give up the myth that you'll be a perfect parent. Kids don't need perfect parents; just parents that try to get better.
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