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Let Go Of The Old School Mentality!
Author: Mark Brandenburg
"What are you thinking?" I yelled at my son. "Don't you remember what I just told you?"
I had just avoided a fish hook, swinging perilously close to my eye. At the end of the fishing pole was my six year old son who now bowed his head in shame.
As soon as I said the words come out of my mouth I wanted to take them back. But the damage was done. All I could do was apologize.
"I'm sorry I said that, buddy, I'm just getting impatient."
My son popped his head up quickly and with a grim look that was determined to "tough it out" asked, "Can you put the worm on my hook, Dad?"
He didn't feel much like "processing" our encounter. He just wanted to move things along. And in this encounter, like many other encounters between fathers and sons, the only emotion that surfaced was anger. The sadness, the fear, and the shame were shoved down.
Sadly, this is often the way it works with boys and men.
Historically, the role models provided for boys have been utterly dysfunctional. They've been men and fathers who don't dare to show sadness or fear for these emotions disqualify them from "manhood." Boys are taught, from an early age, to bottle up all their emotions, except for the one emotion that is acceptable for men to express: anger.
Author Robert Burney tells the story of attending his grandmothers' funeral at age 11. He cried so hard he had to be taken out of the funeral home. Burney wasn't crying because his grandmother had died but because he'd seen his uncle cry. It was the first time in his life he'd seen a man cry, and it opened the floodgates of all the repressed pain he was carrying. After that day, he went right back to repressing his feelings because he'd still never seen his father cry, and his father was his role model.
There's a new generation of fathers out there, with an opportunity to put an end to the "tough guy" culture that still exists for men and boys. This opportunity demands that we show the courage and resolve necessary to break the cultural stereotypes that are still dominant today.
Here are five ways you can help your son be more emotionally intelligent:
Show Physical Affection Towards Your Son
Research shows that boys who receive physical affection from their fathers are happier, healthier, and smarter so go ahead and hug him. And don't be afraid to hug other men in your life. Show your son that men can show love for each other in a healthy and respectable way.Get Involved In Your Son's Life
Have enough involvement in your son's life to know who else might be reinforcing the "old school" mentality and if necessary, intervene and set new guidelines. This could include teachers, coaches, other family members, etc.Reinforce Your Son's Knowledge Of Emotions
Help your son identify what he's feeling you’re your son appears sad, say so. When you say, "You seem really sad right now," you help him to identify that feeling, to "own it", and to deal with it.Judge People Less And Empathize More
Instead of saying, "What a jerk he is!" say, "He seems to be really angry right now." Being kind and loving will create a clear path for your son to do the same.Keep Examining How You Raise Your Son
Do you push him away emotionally, or shame him when he's showing signs of "weakness"? Or do you acknowledge those feelings and help him process them? Continually monitor how you react to your son's feelings and how you share and/or process your own feelings because it's easy to slip back into that "old school" mentality.
For the sake of future generations, it is time to raise awareness to the fact that showing one's emotions is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.
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