God must have put me together with my friend, Ali, for a very special purpose. We’re both writers, we are each married with a son
and a younger daughter, we’re both kind of neat freaks, and we both have to have things our own way. Did I mention we like to be
in control? That we are, perhaps—no, I’d have to say we are very definitely--control freaks.
You’ve heard the old saying about not being able to mix oil and water, right? Well, we are oil and oil. We blend perfectly.
Or…maybe not. You see, being that we are both control freaks, we each want to have our own way! Which, at times, can get a bit
sticky.
Venting Doesn't Mean Fix It
Say, for instance, that Ali is having a bad day. She’ll call me to vent. Of course, I can sympathize. No problem. But then
the “fixer-upper” in me offers a suggestion—the perfect solution to her problem. I know—just ask me! Ali doesn’t agree, but
she’s too polite to say so. She smiles, nods, acts like she’s considering it, and then does just as she pleases.
Another day Ali would share the same frustrations and I’d remind her that I had already provided the perfect solution to solve her
problem and she hadn’t tried it. She’d sigh, smile, and we’d move on. Or would we? Do you see a pattern forming here?
At first I got slightly irritated. I mean, why didn’t she follow my advice? Everything would just be so simple if she did what I
said. Right? All her problems would be over. I became frustrated that she trusted me enough to share her problems with me, but
she didn’t trust me enough to take my advice.
Until one day Ali pointed out that I do this very same thing to her. I called to complain about how overstressed and overworked I
am, and she came up with several great ideas to “solve” my dilemma. Which is great. And she always has great ideas—don’t get me
wrong. Except that I don’t want to do it her way. I have my own way of working through things. So I smile, I nod, and I’m
polite. Then I do exactly as I please.
Hmmm.
Do you hear an echo in here? Ali chose one of these moments to point out to me that I always ask her advice and then generally do
not take it. Ah! A light bulb moment! Could it be that some of our venting was just that—venting? And that we didn’t
necessarily need or want the other’s “instant solutions?” Or that while we liked the ideas, we had to figure some things out for
ourselves?
Our conversation that day led to a better understanding of each other—an understanding that has, in large part, preserved our
friendship—and a better understanding of ourselves, as well. We both learned a valuable lesson that day—several lessons, in fact.
And we’re both certain learning those lessons is one of the many reasons God brought us together as friends.
Lesson One: We Don't Have All The Answers
We control freaks don’t always have all the answers—even if we think we do. Only God has all the answers.
Lesson Two: We Love Each Other As Is
Real friends accept each other unconditionally, but they don’t have to accept each other’s advice. Ali summed
it up pretty well. “Well, one thing I learned from our friendship is that I could want the best for the other person, and I could
think that my way is best, but it may not be,” she says. “I need to share my thoughts but let the other person make a decision and
not push my decision on that person.”
My friendship with Ali taught me that we can have a difference of opinions and neither one of us has to be "right." We don't have
to convince the other person to "our way" of doing things. We can listen, respect the other person's decision, and still go on
with the friendship. It's not a matter of right or wrong, win or lose. It's acceptance. Unconditional love.
It took me several years, a few misunderstandings, and even a few tears and make-up hugs later, but I finally got the lesson. My
friendship with Ali taught me that my solutions weren’t her solutions. It taught me that her problems and frustrations weren’t
mine to fix. My job was to be a shoulder and a friend, not a quick fix to the issues she needed to work through on her own. I
needed to be her friend—the kind of friend Jesus wanted me to be. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved
you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34
Lesson Three: We're Not Perfect
None of us are perfect. We're all flawed. Now don’t get me wrong—I still tend to want to "fix" the flaws
in other people or “fix” all their problems for them, and I’m willing to bet Ali still fights that urge, too—but God has shown us
that that is not our place. Our place is to love people just the way they are. If He wants things "fixed," He'll handle it in
His own good time. All I really need to worry about is fixing my own flaws—and Ali says she has her hands full with dealing with
her own, too.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say
to your brother, `Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You
hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”
Luke 6:41-42
Lesson Four: We Listen To Each Other
Friends don’t get mad if friends don’t take their well-intentioned advice. And, ‘tis better to listen than to give too much advice.
* Name changed to protect privacy
About The Author:
Tina L. Miller is a freelance writer, the author of When a Woman Prays,
and a freelance photographer.
* This article is available for your publication, for a F-E-E.
This article may NOT be reprinted without monetary compensation and written permission from the author.
For reprint rights or comments/questions about this article, please contact the author.
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